Devil’s Island Rap: An Occupational Hazard>Act 11

Sometime ago, while digging through my secret files inside my cell here on Devil’s Island, I found an old rap song I wrote in the early days as a numbers runner for Groggleman, before Josie Peppermint was handed the responsibility of supervising us. This rap song was written in response to my old rival, later friend & unfortunately my late great & dear inmate friend, Va-Va-Voom, may he rest in piece as a strip-tease artist in Las Vegas! I’ve actually written several songs, that when appropriate, I will share with my other inmates here on Devil’s Island.

The particular rap was written for a rap battle that never materialized between me & Va-Va-Voom. It was Va-Va-Voom who challenged me to begin with, after hearing a birthday rap song I wrote for Pops W, which included the lines; “Now Va-Va-Voom please stay out of my way/Coz you always got something silly to say!" The word "silly" had been substituted for the word "stupid," which to some degree Va-Va-Voom sometimes unknowingly & not on purpose did say some pretty stupid things, but then again, who doesn’t? Anyway Va-Va-Voom never wrote his rap after finding out mine was at least three pages long! So, for the moment, keep shaking down your fellow inmates numbers runners that goes for everyone, including Johnny Vegas! And remember everyone; there is a special pair of tinted glasses & used rubber sheets waiting for us all at the end of that rusted color rainbow…


Devil’s Island Rap

Gather round number runners and clap your hands
MC Mishegas Master is back in the role to command, to tell y’all
A sweet little ditty, bout his little buddy homeboy, Va-Va-Voom
The man who said he wanted to take me on…

Once upon a time, when downtime mattered,
Up the steps came homey, in a quiet pitter patter
Came round to see his old friend, the psycho who was never on the level
The idiot savant, that Old Black Devil
To see if she could trip me up, let him get further ahead
And go corrupt the minds of young man Shabookie & young man Pops W
Yeah, Old Black Devil thought she was so very clever, by implementing a plan
Designed so sleek, it’d be like paddling a canoe without a creek
Va-Va-Voom got down on his knees and prayed
That MC Mishegas Master would not detect this bad ass charade
So Old Black Devil laid it down thick, tripped and harassed MC Mishegas Master with a barrel of tricks, downloaded him with 1 million exaggerated prisoner files galore, slowed MC Mishegas Master down, as Va-Va-Voom went onto score another trumped-up victory,
Went out stinking drunk, to celebrate with “inmate family” & friends
Later that week, when MC Mishegas Master entered the cell where Va-Va-Voom did sit, the great word slayer was hit in the hand, shot by Va-Va-Voom slinging rubber bands

Yo baby, yo baby yo baby baby yo

Well, when Va-Va-Voom apologized, he was sporting a grin
And old MC Mishegas Master knew he had been given a spin when all of a sudden his posse crew mouthed the words “traitor” and “cheat” in unison,
Now old MC Mishegas Master knew he must defeat Va-Va-Voom’s sudden growth spurt of numbers pool that he had won,
Like a child whose umbilical cord has become undone

Well, late one night I sat up in bed after a bad dream of monsters & lizards,
When all of the sudden my cell phone rang, no! Quit!
It was Slick Rick the wizard
Who instructed me to bitch-slap Va-Va-Voom with a cold chicken gizzard
Then my other line rang, now who could it be,
It was my old friend, The DOC, who said in order to catch a thief, you must persist
Have faith in God and not your fists

Yo baby, yo baby yo baby baby yo

Later on when confronted, Va-Va-Voom, he knew he was wrong
So he went back to the Old Black Devil and sang this little song,

“If you love corn on the cob & you love dirt
Better not mix the two like a shake & bake dessert.
If you love to win & you love to others to beat,
Then you will consider me out of you circle to cheat others out of their fair chance,
This isn’t about money, it’s about sub-stance…”

(She just peered at him with her glasses on her nose, glared at him and walked away)

Well, after singing his song, Va-Va-Voom turned to Groggleman & admitted his folly, but Groggleman just laughed and said, “Did you think I was fool enough to take the bait from the likes of a feather-brained Polly? You’re outta here & that ain’t no joke…” Va-Va-Voom disappeared in a puff of smoke, as the Old Black Devil began to choke & MC Mishegas Master sipped on Coke, stretched his arms, as he spoke,

“Now Magic if used right can be fun,
But to use it as a weapon
To con other men
Is just plain dumb

Well, that was a long time ago
And time passes by
And yarns get tossed around
Like a big pizza pie

And even though he’s gone
Va-Va-Voom still likes to brag a lot
And some days he boasts like a big, big shot
But we all know his tales are well, well worn
Like a bad method actor in an old gay porn


So sad I say,
Neither guts nor glory
And this is the end of my little number runners’ story
Don’t you dare snicker, ‘coz it’s not funny
Using magic the wrong way, is silly, just to conjure up a little money….”