Of the many prisoners here on Devil’s Island, perhaps the most craziest & tragic outside of the dearly departed Va-Va-Voom & the thankful execution of Old Black Devil, is the Pontificating Princess, yet she wasn’t always this crazy. I say tragic, primarily because she has been taken so much advantage of by, not only the Fraternal Goon Twins, but tortured endlessly by Groggleman & the great Satan herself, Old Black Devil.The Pontificating Princess came to Devil’s Island several years ago as a result of a double & grisly murder plot she hatched with Perky Pauline (whom was never charged), who in her brief time here on Devil’s Island, was a very cantankerous & whip-smart inmate.
Not much is known about Perky Pauline’s peril that brought her here, other than the swirling rumors that Groggleman was entertaining Old Black Devil several drunken moonlit nights ago & brought in for her dancing pleasure, Perky Pauline, who once Old Black Devil saw was more beautiful and caught the alluring eye of Groggleman, Old Black Devil threw a hissy fit & stomped out of their executive bedroom. Groggleman then promptly arrested Perky Pauline for indecent exposure, so the story goes.
As to what brought the Pontificating Princess to Devil’s Island, was the real-life crime murder of her screwball, yet loving & faithful husband Albino Joe T. Eskimo, who to this day the Pontificating Princess blames for making her crazy, but I’m getting ahead of myself.
Having spent several years here, the Pontificating Princess had two of her life sentences commuted. She however, is still serving at least seven other life sentences. For her good behavior she had shown she was awarded exclusive custody & caretaking privileges of the Fraternal Goon Twins, whom she nurtured and cared for, as if they were her own flesh & blood.
Everything was fine as wine, until one day when Old Black Devil decided to swipe (Dis) Gracie Goon away from the Pontificating Princess & mold her into the image of Old Black Devil Jr. It wasn’t long after that when Greg Goon was snatched from her loving arms one day while feeding him by the fat & evil Groggleman, whose intentions were to also mold the young Greg Goon into the image of Groggleman Jr.
And so, the Pontificating Princess became so depressed that she attempted suicide several times within a period of 24 hours. It was Groggleman who found her hanging from a self-made noose around her neck & had her committed to the prison’s insane asylum, located in the back of the prison infirmary.
Everyone in the prison considered her to be a basket-case and avoided her. Broadcast Betty headlined the prison radio news program with mostly ugly & unfounded rumors about the Pontificating Princess’ crazy lifestyle. No one ever came to visit her except for myself & Perky Pauline. After the Pontificating Princess was released and was re-brainwashed into prison lifestyle, both Perky Pauline & I started hanging out with her.
One afternoon during a prison-yard smoke break, Perky Pauline pulled the Pontificating Princess aside and said, “Listen girlfriend, we gotta get out of this joint. Ain’t doin’ either of us any good bein’ here.” I just nodded & smiled. But the Pontificating Princess although as tough as nails had a tender & petrified side to her & didn’t want to make a prison-break for fear it would damage her sparkling good behavior record while serving time on Devil’s Island. And then one day, the Pontificating Princess was transferred to a different cell; mine.
From here, I had a clear picture of the entire scene. We had our usual tussles & scrapes, but the most ironic part of sharing a cell with her was every night before she would roll over and face the wall in order to fall asleep, she would shout across the cell to me, “Alright, whatever you say crazy-man!”
Months passed until one morning when Perky Pauline entered our cell by picking the lock with a bobbypin, carrying a couple of laundry sacks & said to the Pontificating Princess, “C’mon girlfriend! Wake up! We got serious business to attend to!”
The Pontificating Princess half-asleep rolled over and shouted back to her, “Be quiet crazy-man! I need my beauty rest,” thinking it was me, until Perky Pauline jerked her out of bed & made her pack up all of her belongings before my very eyes and said very stern to the Pontificating Princess, “C’mon, girlfriend! We gotta blow this pop-stand now!”
So as quick as they could run, both of them flew past me & made their escape. Somehow or another, Perky Pauline used her best assets to get past the prison guards. The Pontificating Princess never did make it past the gates however, as the laundry sack kept her weighed down & off they carted her, back to the prison’s insane asylum, where she’s been locked up ever since.
Late in the night, you can still hear the Pontificating Princess still sceaming & crying like a wild animal every night the same thing over & over; "I never should have listened to Perky Pauline! Where are you crazy-man! Come get me out of here," and so on and so forth, which only goes to show; no one can ever really escape Devil’s Island!
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