Robble Robble

When you are young and growing up as a kid, you tend to be hooked on certain symbolic icons of your youth, as a way to link up with your childhood years later on as an adult. I was hooked on Batman & Robin, Roger Ramjet, Quisp & Quake, Superman and Ronald McDonald. Yet, out of all these character-advertising symbols, Ronald McDonald had the most impact on in those young years.

When you are a young kid, you have no agendas. There are no important issues to tackle or deadlines. Primarily you are just thinking about what’s on television, what’s for dinner, how much homework you get from your teacher, does that kid from next door have to make fun of you all of the time and whether or not you have what it takes to be cool.

Around age eight, I started collected things. Ma and I refer to this action as accumulation now. I was the ever lovin’ packrat and I only learned from the best, my ma, of course. I collected everything, from rubber bands to political memorabilia to the latest craze of the day at the tender age of 11½ in 1973, McDonaldland Lids. These lids featured the popular McDonaldland characters of the day like Grimace, Hamburgler, Captain Crook, Mayor MacCheese and of course, Ronald McDonald himself.

Somewhere in the piles of my multi-decked landfills, there’s a letter that I received from the president I believe of McDonald’s, whom I had written and told him how many lids I had, 55 at that time and how much I liked the food at McDonald’s. That number grew to a few hundred by the time the promotion ended. Additionally in the letter I received back from him, I was told that had far more than the amount his daughter had. As an added bonus, the envelope contained $5 in McDonald’s gift certificates. Back then, $5 could stretch a lot further than by today’s standards, for a fin then, is like four bits now, which does not last so long anymore. The days of penny gumballs and 10 cent phone calls and newspapers all faded, but I am rambling here, where was I?

Oh yeah, so around the age of 13, I felt it was high time to go and visit the man himself and pay homage to the king. Accompanied by thy younger brother Benjy, off we walked down the street to the local McDonald’s to see our idol Ronald McDonald.

And of course there is a line snaking around the restaurant and a fruit stand nearby, so off we snake with them, eventually getting closer and closer and closer, until we are practically right next to him. Right about then, I happen to turn my head, when I spy something strange beneath Ronald’s golden carriage made to look like a throne. It is then that we discover, much to our horror and dismay, that this man who serenades all children from around the world and endorses delicious (well, we thought so at the time) fast food with a smile, is nothing more that a smoking fiend and a bum-lush rainbowed clown.

It is sad, but true, for as we are waiting for him to return, we notice a six-pack of Schlitz beer beneath his throne and sadly, we see him taking a few drags off a cigarette the size of a number two pencil. It is our turn next and when we talk to him and say “Hi,” we get a mimeographed signature color picture of him, and we notice that he has tobacco breath.

Not very encouraging to a little kid, even back then, before today’s advent of Ronald looking like a happy go lucky pied piper saint, leading children of all colors down a brainwashed path of unrealistic images and how good food tastes at McDonald’s, such as a cheese and bacon burger, which is so healthy and tasty too. Oh, thy dear clown-faced man, I can feel you, but you cannot touch me. Tears crest around thy eyes. Yee have lost thou forever.

Ah, but I see it all so clear now, visions of thy sweet-faced iconic clown, you’re like a fine brewed enticing aroma and yet, the lambs remain with you, as you lead them down the hill toward the gates of hell. Mothers weep and the children howl with great gasping glee. Your great crime against all of humanity not withstanding, is never enough time to put you where you belong,

We sing it proudly and strong, “Ronald McDonald thrown into the slammer. We can feel you, but you cannot touch us. A whole village is wailing, a safe system is failing, Ronald McDonald thrown back into the slammer, back where you belong, back where you should be.” Ah, the wishes of two young boys now all grown up. Such a mad, mad world, such a mad, mad pity to dethrone your own city of boys and girls who believed in you for so very long and you do more harm than we do wrong. Ah, mad, mad, world, mad, mad world.