Mourning For Evelyn

Disclaimer: the following story is true. The names have been changed to hang the guilty. Why? Because I feel like it. Any incident that sounds seemingly close or similar to actual places & events is purely non-fiction. Love is like that, so be prepared!

For anybody who has read my work, you would know that I base much of what I write on fact. Having been a reporter for seven & a half years plus a journalism background to boot, helps. So, when you read what you are about to read seems a little like fiction, well, it might be, it could be, but it isn’t, though you can be the judge on that.

Early Sunday morning I received a callback from Evelyn, whom I had called only hours earlier. We had been apart for a few weeks on issues too miniscule to argue about. Tonight was it. She told me not to bother to phone her ever again. She claimed to have found real & true romance. So what was I these past six years, stuffed cabbage?

I am in mourning for Evelyn, a girl that I loved
Lost her last night
In a game of Russian roulette

Evelyn & I had met the same way people meet these days, by chatting. I pushed her away at first because I didn’t feel a match between us. I found her again a couple of years later, totally by accident while online doing research. She had IM’ed (instant messaged) me & I looked up briefly to see who was. When I saw it was Evelyn, I was immediately happy to see her & we talked & talked & talked for what seemed like hours, playing a two-year catch-up game with each other.

We continued to talk over the internet for what seemed like a few years, until we decided to swap phone numbers & talk live. I asked Evelyn if she could handle that, as she was still pretty shy & she said, “Sure.”

There was a time back in the early 2000s, when I didn’t have a phone & always had to borrow someone else’s & get a calling card. That was always difficult, as it was a party line & our conversations were always cut short by one thing or another. You know how it is. The only word that ever popped out of her mouth was "hi."

I did most of the talking in those days & amazingly carried on conversations quite well, but it was like talking to a wall, except the wall would say a few words besides “hi” and laugh or giggle every 20 minutes or so. The calls took place between 10pm & midnight.


I felt like J.D. Salinger
In affairs of the heart
We were doomed from the get-go
Wore my heart on my sleeve & boy! Did it show!

There were times during our relationship, when situations got intense, so much so, that she would shut down & it would take me up to 40 minutes to figure out what was wrong. Finally after the 41st minute, she would speak up. Something about my tone of voice making her feel so stupid. This went on & on for the longest time, until I would ask her to fix the problem. She told me she would, but she never did.

She also told me a story, which seemed to make sense at the time, because it gelled everything together with her behavioral patterns. Evelyn said she had been brutally assaulted by a relative when she was younger. She could never tell anyone else, but she chose to tell me.

We talked about everything under the sun, from music to sex to education to films. I asked her at times what she really saw in me, why she chose me out of everyone else she could ever want. It was the usual response, “because you’re sweet, you’re kind & I love you.”

But love itself although kind can be lethal too. As the years went by & our relationship became more intense, she started getting a little possessive. I couldn’t actually see it in her eyes, but I could hear it in her voice. And the sorts of head games she started to play, well I knew the corner was starting to cave in slowly.

She tried a lot of attention-grabbers like stabbing her arms with paper clips, all this, just for my attention. I was heartsick & told her anytime she needed to talk, day or night, I would be here for her. I knew it wasn’t going to get any better.

Her occupation in life was in the field of animal husbandry. More often than not, I would always wonder if she had made the right career move, because at times she went way overboard with it, a little too obsessive, so I thought.

In her household, she had lots of animals too, dogs, cats & birds. She would always fuss over them & I never understood why. That was one of my downfalls I guess, that she accused me of, not understanding “her animals.” I told her to teach me to understand them. That never materialized either.

Over the past year, things in her life suddenly changed, for the better & so I went along for the ride & that’s when the in-fighting started, over the silliest of things. One of the greatest actions she accused me of was not listening to her. I suppose it was true, but on the other hand, her great faults were need, greed & selfishness. It sprouted up in our courtship so many times.

As time moved forward, we made plans to meet
But then emotion pulled the switch that let it fly
We argued over everything & nothing & in the heat of the moment, I called her a bitch
I let my true feelings speak, but it was already too late
In all honesty I felt bigger,
Because there was no turning back once I pulled the trigger

A few months ago, the situation got worse, the fighting more intense & we decided we needed a break from each other. So I didn’t call her for a few weeks. I just waited out the storm. She told me that maybe we didn’t have anything in common anymore, but I reassured her that fighting is kind of normal in relationships. I even went so far as to call her a bitch. I should have eaten my words back then, but I didn’t want to believe it for myself & marched onward.

It was when I started having mice problems in my apartment came the real blow to our relationship, as she accused me of being a murderer & how in the world could I kill such innocent & tiny creatures as mice? Furthermore, she didn’t want to hear about it from me, ever again. That hurt so much, as I needed her at that moment & she could not comfort me.

I didn’t tell her then, but I will say it now. Those creatures that she spoke of so dearly aren’t so innocent. Mice are rodents that will stop at nothing to destroy crops & food, to the tune of millions of dollars per year. Did she forget that mice are vermin & were one of the original plagues that were written about in the bible?

Wanted to show her a side of me I thought she couldn’t comprehend
She understood more than I would believe
The loss of my lover, who I never touched,
Never felt her breath against my face, just words in my ear

I spoke to her before I left for the coast
Her cat died, oh how she cried and she cried
When I asked her about us, she said she still didn’t know
Mumbled something about me being 7th on her things to do list
I thought that was lucky, so I waited & I waited & clenched my left fist

We got back in contact after I asked her for a second chance, which she granted me. It was short-lived one night, when I was in the midst of a health crisis had to balance out my time between her and myself. I felt my health was more important & I chose that. I disappeared & she worried about that. When she asked me where I was, I explained to her thoroughly what had happened & what I was trying to accomplish. It was no use. She claimed she didn’t understand & click-click went the phone.

After that Sunday morning conversation I was devastated & never went back to sleep. I felt like a zombie that entire day. Saying goodbye to someone you’ve loved but never met, is a lot like carrying on an imaginary relationship with a movie star in your brain. The only difference is our relationship once so intense fizzled in a matter of weeks.


Evelyn had such elaborate plans for the future like spending time in France for a month & living on a farm with me & all of her animals. We lived separately & I highly doubted I would move were she was stationed. I wasn’t a country-sort of man, anyway. I was more of a city & suburban dweller.

Gone are the days of innocence, unwelcome are the days of suffering, sitting Shiva for a woman I never met, never held, never touched, and never kissed. It will be some of the more non-chalant & meaningful memories of Evelyn I will store inside the inner linings of my soul, right next to former my love Lyn, whom I hid away for years after-the-fact, until I felt ready & safe to speak about her to the world, without tearing into an old wound that had been sewn & stitched up so tight & complete.

As words have a way of creeping into a man’s vocabulary, so will Evelyn’s ways of saying “hush” & “hi” in the most gentlest of ways. So, too will the songs I wrote for her, just now be songs, like for instance, the song I wrote for her, simply titled, Evelyn.

Felt half strange
Like I woke up in the middle of a desert isle
Kissing hot white sand

You talk too much to the sky
She whispered to me in a sigh
I reached down to kiss her, I asked her
Did you miss me?


And then there was the funny but highly popular to this day, Oh Deer! which I had written exclusively for her. It told the story of a deer who tells what it’s like to hunt & kill humans. She was especially proud of me when I performed it at a 2003 recital & it went over so well.

Saw a deer in the glade
In the clear of the shade
As the cars & traffic raced on by

Crept closer ‘cross snow-covered ground
Made wee little sound, as she turned her head to me and said hi

In the twilight I just spoke
Told a few people jokes
At first she laughed & then she cried…


When I get sad, I usually go out and buy either a piece of sheet music or a cd. It used to be records or tapes, but the times have changed & so have I. if I didn’t feel like doing that, I chose to either throw myself into some fantastic research project or just eat a hot plate of Mac & Cheese. Lyn used to buy me Snickers candy bars when I felt sad & did things to cheer me up. Evelyn simply couldn't.




When I spoke to her this morning (last night), she was dreamy
I knew for sure I didn’t have a chance
She said at last she had found true romance
I told her to have a nice life & silenced the phone
I cried & I cried, but I guess that’s the bullet you embrace
When you love all alone

Love is so kind, yet so lethal. I should know what I am talking about. I will always love you Evelyn, wherever you choose to go, with or without me.

I am in mourning for Evelyn, a girl that I loved
Lost her last night
In a game of Russian roulette