Everett Baltimore, Master Detective: The Case Of The Missing Callback™

I've written a lot of words in my day, from feature stories to music compositions to film scripts. While going through my writing archives recently, I found a long-ago old play script I had written for one of the many jobs I've held over the years, which for one reason or another was neither produced or pursued. I've shown it to a few friends, but never the general public until today. So my dear readers, may I present to you in its entirety, Everett Baltimore, Master Detective: The Case Of The Missing Callback™ and as always, enjoy!

Everett Baltimore, Master Detective: The Case Of The Missing Callback™

Written/Produced

by TheMishegasMaster

© 2002

The Players:
Everett Baltimore narrator/voice of Al Capone
Fast Fingers Wallace & Hal Menschenet
Estella Canella AKA The Easy Caller
Harry Borders & Dishmore Tzadskegress AKA The Difficult Caller

Act I-Scene 1 (Music Up & Over)

Looking into the office of PI Everett Baltimore, a former reporter, turned private detective, we see him sitting at a long table, talking to himself. On the table are two piles of papers, Baltimore has been sifting through haphazardly when without warning, a tall man with a hat bursts into his office with a puzzled, yet worrisome look on his face…

EB: Hmm, now let’s see, where was I, oh yeah, now I remember…

HB: Good-day sir, I don’t mean to intrude, but if didn’t speak to someone I would burst!

EB: Well, go on man, what is it? What is it?

HB: I’ve misplaced my callback.

EB: You’ve what!

HB: I’ve misplaced my callback.

(Everett paces around the room for a few seconds and thinks aloud. He looks at the stranger with contempt momentarily, but then realizes the significance of it)

EB: And what do you expect to me to do about it? I don’t know who you are. For all I know, you could be a decoy sent by Fast Fingers Wallace. After all, he has been trying for years to snuff me out; you know what I’m saying?

HB: I’m no decoy, Mister Baltimore, I made my own decision to come here and seek you out.

EB: In fact, now that we’re talking about missing callbacks, let me tell you about the time I solved a simple “finders-keepers losers-weepers” callback case. Got a few minutes? Care for a cup of Joe, Mister, ummm?

HB: Harry Borders, Mister Baltimore, Harry Borders.

EB: Yes, care for one?

(Act I fades)

Act II-Scene 2 (Music Up & Over)

Cut to a bustling office full of young and energetic editors and reporters, yelling at each other, while cranking out articles on clunky typewriters, close to an 11 am deadline. A younger Baltimore is seen coming through the office in a gray hat and tan trench coat with a black briefcase and reporter’s notebook in left hand, walking quickly to the desk of editor Hal Menschenet, whom by many is regarded as the fastest editor/writer this side of the Mississippi.

EB: Hey Menschenit, when are you planning to run my expose’ on companies that fail to abide by the rules of Nostradamus, next century?

HM: Listen, dog, I don’t have time to speak to you now…

EB: Listen, Menschenet, you’ve been promising me and promising me for months on end to run it. What is the hold-up? Too many pay-offs padding your pockets from special interests groups not to publish it?

HM: Listen punk, I have a good notion to cut you a pink slip and send you on your merry way, you know what I’m saying?

EB: No, I don’t know what you’re saying. Care to explain it to me? That’s all you ever say whenever I approach you. What’s a matter, Menschenet, getting too big for your britches? Getting too soft on crime? Getting too palsy-walsy with the cops and politicos in this town?

HM: You know, what Baltimore? Sit down and let me tell you a little story. My job is one of great importance and I don’t take anything too lightly. In fact, you’re not the first man to stick a gun in my ribs and pull the trigger and you sure won’t be the last…

EB: What does that have to do with anything? What have you been smoking? Too much TV?

HM: Dog, listen up. Long before I ever came to this crappy little outfit, I was a rewrite man for people like Hecht, McCormick and Lake. I was doing the grunt-work, while they took all the credit. There’s nothing new about that, it’s been goin’ on for years, long before you and I were born and it’ll go on long after we pass through this dirty bird world. But unlike you, you’ve been given opportunities galore, while me, I’ve had to work my way up form the Bowery to Frisco to the tough joints in Attica, Leavenworth, Statesville and Sing-Sing. Guys like you are a dime-a-dozen, Baltimore, but I like you, that’s why I hired you because I know you can get the job done in a matter of minutes…

EB: This isn’t Dragnet…

HM: Anyway, long before I ever got to where I sit, I was a young, naïve kid fresh out of the service and eager to learn all that life had to offer, so I took the first job I could score and I ended up as a lieutenant to Scarface, that’s right, dog you heard me right, Al Capone. Capone had entire towns in his pockets, prostitutes on every corner, crooked coppers in every precinct, all the booze you could ever want to drink, a hideaway every five miles and mistresses, boy lemme tell you…

(Act II fades)

Act III-Scene 3

We see a young Hal busily working the phones for Capone. From time to time, he shows signs of frustration and cusses a little. In the background, we hear a gruff voice, presumably that of Capone.

HB: Dang, Al. I will never get the gist of this routine. These hoods are just too slick for me, even on a phone call, I just cannot do it. I’m giving up…

AC: Lissen dog, I didn’t get to be where I am today, as ruler of the crime world with that attitude. I got to where I am by taking my lumps over and over until I learned from my mistakes and then surged forward. I expect you to do the same. Now, lissen kid, it’s not all that hard to do. All you do is call someone up, ask them a few questions about their business and move ahead. That’s all there is to it. It’s that simple. I don’t call you “Fast Fingers Wallace for nothing, my friend. You’re my best man on the job. That’s why I hired you to begin with, because I know you can get the job done in a matter of seconds. You’ve never let me down, dog and I don’t expect you to let me down now. You know what happens to those who fail me, don’t you, Wallace? I take out my violin and play them a little tune. Here, maybe I can help you out…

(Act 3 fades)

Scene IV-Act 4

(We listen in as Fast Fingers Wallace makes his first phone call.)

AC: Now kid, you remember everything I told you, right? I’ll be monitoring you to make sure you get everything right.

HM: Yes, Al

(Fast Fingers dials the phone and waits for the line to pick up. He has a slightly worried look on his face as he waits)

EC: Hello, G & C? Can I help you?

HM: Hello madam, my name is Hal and I am calling to offer you a free listing in the Uptown Enquirer’s second annual business registry. It’s a listing of all the local businesses in the area, similar to the Yellow pages. Are you interested?

EC: Why certainly, I am, Hal. What do I need to furnish you with?

HM: Well, first, I see that you are located at 5632 North Broadway in Cicero, the zip code is 60439 and that you have 4 people employed there. The president of the company is Estella Canella and the name of the company is God & Country Inc.

EC: That is correct Hal.

HM: And you manufacture religious shines and Halloween lanterns.

EC: Right again, Hal. Is there anything else you need to know?

HM: No, madam, this is all I need. You have yourself a great day, okay?

EC: Why thank you Hal. You do the same. Good-bye. (Phone clicks down).

AC: What a great job kid! Nice smooth voice, full of confidence, not a word of question or doubt in your throat, I like that.

HM: Thanks chief.

(Hal makes his second call)

DT: Yes?

HM: Hello sir, my name is Hal and I am calling to offer you a free listing in the Uptown Enquirer’s second annual business registry. It is a listing of all the local businesses in the area, similar to the Yellow pages. Are you interested?

DT: We don’t want any…

HM: Sir, this does not cost you a dime, it is a free listing, and it is a good way to get to know your neighbors…

DT: And what if I don’t want to get to know my neighbors?

HM: Well sir, try to look at from another viewpoint, for one moment, please…

DT: Who are you that you should be telling me what to think? I don’t even know who you are. How did you get this telephone number? This is the end of this conversation. (Click).

(Thinking, Hal gets back on the phone and redials the number.)

DT: A Tisket A Tasket, We Make Burial Caskets. Can I help you?

HM: Hello sir…

DT: Oh it’s you again!

HM: Sir, I think we were disconnected…

DT: No, I hung up on you, stupid! What do you want? Don’t you get it? I am not interested at all! I don’t want any bills coming to me, I already have enough debts from the depression, can’t afford any more…

HM: Sir, all I want to do is update a free listing for you. If anything should come from this listing are more customers, which means more clients and more profitability. That is all I am really trying to do sir, is to help you to help yourself.

DT: Hmmm. That’s something I never thought of. And you’re positive this won’t cost me anything and I won’t be billed later?

HM: No, sir. Not now, not ever.

DT: (sighing) Hhhhhhh, all right what do you need to know?

HM: The name of your business is A Tisket A Tasket Wood & Bronze Caskets Co. that is on 1313 Manson Dr. in Berwyn and the zip code is 60247.

DT: Uh-huh.

There are 10 people employed there and you make caskets, tommy guns and mustard.

DT: We’ve upped the employee total since the depression, Hal. We’re up to 25 now and no longer produce mustard. Too costly. Now we make catsup.

HM: Oh, okay. I see, sir. You are still the president of the company and Jack Armstrong is the operations manager.

DT: That’s right. Anything else, Hal? I really need to get a move-on. It’s our busy season you know.

HM: No sir. I want to just thank you for taking my phone call and just have a great day!

(Click)

AC: That was phenomenal Hal. You were assertive and thought on your feet, not many people do that these days. You are one a kind, my friend. By the end of the call, you had him eating out of the palm of your hand like a trained parakeet. Good work!

(Fade back to Everett Baltimore’s office)

EB: And that’s my story Mr. Borders. Any questions?

HB: Uh, yeah. I didn’t say callback, Mister Baltimore, I said crawl back, Mister Baltimore. This is a stick-up! Don’t make a move and hand over yer wallet…

(Music Up & over-cast comes together for accolades)