Tis' The Season To Be Parking, Other Hazards Of Malls & How To Avoid Them

Tis the season to be parking, fah-la-la-la-la-la-la-la, crazy drivers act like rabid dogs barking, fah-la-la-la-la-la-la-la, now they lay upon the car horn when they are stuck in traffic, fah-la-la-la-la-la-la-la, holiday shopping sucks like my sister’s rubber phallic, fah-la-la-la-la-la-la-la…MishegasMaster outtake parody lyrics

Well, as most of you know retailers survived Black Friday and did better than expected. Of course they did! Did they expect to do otherwise in an economy that is laden with bullet holes, huge discounts and buy one, get one free offers everywhere they walk?

And with that comes the ever-popular, fun-loving holiday shopping season that I of course disdain with a real passion. If there’s one thing I learned how to do long ago, was to avoid all malls period for the next two months! I suspect it’s different in smaller towns and cities, but where I live, oh no!

The glut of malls is incredibly bad and exceedingly much. I don’t think we have as many malls though as some other cities like Houston, Texas, for example. Back in the 1980s when I knew people in Texas (other than my sister Naomi who’s lived there now for the past few years), a friend took me on a tour of ALL the city malls, which at that time, numbered in 26.

The trouble with malls are numerous, but not limited to the following three difficulties 1)-wandering gangs of teenagers; wandering gangs of teenagers who have nothing better to do, but to walk inside malls in search of adventure, which usually ends up as jabbering at the food court. It’s as if all the modern day conveniences like television, Internet chat-rooms, talking on the telephone or cell-phone computer and video games aren’t enough; today’s teenagers have it so very easy. Where are supervising parents when they are needed? They might be gabbing away on the phone, online purchasing the latest Neil Diamond CD, listening to talk radio or watching the boob tube. Such good examples to impress upon their children, right? Or perhaps they are working. Well, at least it gives the rent-a-cops at the mall a legitimate reason to harass them and tell them to stop loitering.

2)-Shoppers with no direction known; hey I think Bob Dylan wrote a song about them! Seriously though, there are scores of shoppers who will spend several minutes walking about aimlessly until they even think about asking for help to find a store or retail shop. There are mall information desks, yet they rarely get used. There are also giant detailed store maps installed at different points throughout a mall, but what’s the chance on someone using those when it’s so much easier to ask someone? People take everything so very much for granted these days.

3)-Drivers looking for parking spaces; these are always a troublesome bunch, although this time of year, “the holiday season” as its now called, is probably the worst time to park at a mall, because well, besides being so many people out looking for gifts to bribe each other with, thereby bypassing the true meaning of each holiday celebrated (another topic for another day).

Having worked in Old Orchard Shopping Center nearly eight years ago as a bookseller at Barnes & Noble, let me tell you parking is no fun at a mall like that, especially in light of the kinds of folks that go to that mall; the affluent, mainly as it is billed. Affluent people expect so much and yet give little in return, whoops! I made a mistake; what I meant to say, they give a lot; a lot of attitude that is! Obviously, it is felt both ways, through retail and through the mall itself, but I’m straying just a little bit.

Parking at Old Orchard Shopping Center, just like any other mall can be a nightmare, if not darn near impossible to find a parking space; too many cars, not enough parking spaces. Some people forget their manners when it comes to finding a parking space and will do things like approach people who are leaving, by rolling down their windows and ask them if they are leaving. Still others will sit inside their cars and wait for someone to leave, thereby blocking traffic and causing mini-traffic jams within the parking lot.

Then there are the parking sneaks who will zoom inside a free space once it’s opened up by someone pulling out; that sort of maneuver usually results in a lot of anger, name-calling and cursing. There have even been fist-fights and tire-slashing incidents over parking space shortage!

Here are a few quick solutions; use public transportation or park out further. Sure I know it’ll be further to walk toward retail heaven, but it will save you a lot of heartache, anger and frustration in the long-run. i know it's tough to use your two good legs to walk everywhere, but try to think about how it feels to have those two good legs, as opposed to someone confined to a wheelchair for life or have limited use of their legs? i bet walking never feels so good, now does it?

So, what can one do to best to avoid the mall madness situations totally? Go out to your local retail store or shop and throw ‘em your support by shopping at a local business, as opposed to a chain store that’s supported by a corporation, that’s how! It seems more and more that the “Mom & Pop” shops are getting swallowed up or run out of business by the likes of corporate America, who try to sell items cheaper by the dozen made overseas, as opposed to crafted material made right here in America.

Not everything made in America is crafted well, however, like the freedoms of choice we enjoy and embrace so much everywhere we set foot. Given that surmise, this should be the same approach one should take when it comes to choosing stores to give our hard-earned dollars to. The holidays should be enjoyed just as much as shopping for little trinkets should be (if that’s your bag, no pun intended) relatives and members of your family.

Alternatively, homemade gifts work just as much. Just ask The Arizona Babe & Rex Pâtér Homo; they always enjoy what The MishegasMaster sends to them each year!