Tales From The Desert>Post Trip Talk-Act One: The Near Ill-Fated Ride Of United Airlines (Ted) Flight 1448

I don’t fly often, but when I do, it’s usually reserved for vacation trips or performances that take longer to get to than one day. As many of you dear readers know, last week I headed west to spend time in the Valley Of Golden Happiness with The Arizona Babe & Rex Pater Homo.

Usually, when I fly, my flights are without incident; with the exception of the occasionally late passenger or crying baby and that’s about all. But not last night, oh no! Not last night, one of the most hellacious flights I’ve even taken in my short life.

I was dropped off at the airport three hours early by Rex Pater Homo, as he had to be elsewhere that afternoon. The regular route to the airport was being repaved, so he took an alternate route. We kissed and hugged each other goodbye, as I went to get my citrus-colored duffle bag checked in.

I waited silently as the airport lounge slowly began to fill up with other passengers. I watched and listened as others went about their little affairs, chatting on cell-phones, tapping away on laptops, munching down on food, sipping drinks and general stupid chit-chat.

Round about the time that my flight time was getting closer to departing, that’s when our troubles began. As the plane landed and deplaned passengers, while the rest of us lined up to get on board the plane.

We were stopped dead in our tracks when it was announced to us, that the plane we were about to board had mechanical failures and therefore, they were trying to make a decision as to what to do with the few hundred of us.

At first it was suggested they fly us to Denver, San Francisco or Los Angeles, with the hope that we could all make connecting flights from there. They also suggested “swapping” out planes, but that was quickly squashed. Then when push came to shove, our flight was completely cancelled leaving us in the dark for approximately one hour.

Needless to say, many passengers were upset, including me. To blow off a little steam, I blew out short frazzled riffs out of my new horn that I had picked up earlier in the week and called friends and family to pass the time. One hour later, after they told us our flight was cancelled and had taken off all of luggage off our plane, some bright person at the top decided that we would make the flight after all, even if the plane wasn’t working properly.

So our luggage was reloaded on the plane, as well as the rest of us and off we taxied down the runway, which took us a total of 10 minutes. Once we were in the air and the situation seemed to settle down, everyone seemed to relax.

It wasn’t more than an hour into flight when our plane met with turbulence and the plane shook violently as if it were breaking apart, it sure seemed that way as I had a clear view of the wings from where I sat and they looked as if they would snap off as easily as a tree branch.

I overheard a passenger say that he saw one of the plane engines sputter and wheeze as we flew over the mountains. I even heard a little boy sing “For He’s A Jolly Good Fellow,” though I wondered to myself if the boy knew the seriousness of the situation at hand.

The entire plane became suddenly quiet as if everyone was thinking the same thing that I was. Death had never felt closer for me than last night.

I wept for nearly an hour after that incident, but I’m sure the guy next to me couldn’t understand why as he kept staring at me. But then again, grown men aren’t supposed to cry, now are they?

The rest of the flight went without incident, until a stewardess made an announcement on the public address system to tell us we were nearing our final destination and also there might be a possibility of an emergency landing. This is what she said, just as we were flying over Lake Michigan.

I never felt so scared in my life.