For The Love Of Neil Diamond

I have this Internet online friend named Soulmated Sunshine; I gave her that name a long time ago when I met her in a now-defunct Jewish chat-room. We’ve had our ups and downs both through the various chat-rooms we meet up in and through emails, but I suppose any online correspondence is bound to run into that sort of miscommunication every now and again.

She’s a nice woman, very sweet, sincere and kind. I know a bit about her, but I will choose not to disclose that at this present moment; for you see, I believe that Soulmated was put on this earth for one purpose and one purpose only and that is spread the good gospel on how great Neil Diamond is.

Quite frankly, I never did think much of Neil Diamond until Soulmated came along. The only thing I could recall about him was that he was a lousy actor in the remake of “The Jazz Singer,” which originally starred Al Jolson. I honestly felt it was a great insult to put Neil Diamond in that role and mess up the great name of “The World’s Greatest Entertainer” (Al Jolson).

Besides, I was working on my own film script, my own revisit of that great first-ever talking picture at that time and I thought that Neil Diamond was hardly the guy I would have picked to play the main character. My own pick to play the role that Jolson had, was Jackie Mason.

In short, I knew nothing more about him, other than I felt he was more like a dinosaur musician, sort of like The Rolling Stones, who continually make records and go out touring every two years. I own two Neil Diamond albums, both greatest hits.

A musician can make a plethora of records, certainly, but there has to be a point in his or her career that they say, “Hey! I want to make a decent record and not put garbage out all of the time just to make records and to make me a buttload of cash,” which some musicians do.

In the early days of chatdom, Soulmated used to talk Neil Diamond up to no-end, ambushing almost every new chatter in some sweet conversation starters, like, “Do you listen to music? What do you think of Neil Diamond?” It would go downhill from there.

A lot of other chatters would make fun of her and rightly so; she seemed a bit obsessive with him, as if Neil Diamond owned her and technically he did; what with his charming husky singing voice, I suppose what’s not to like (Oops, I made a small omission, Soulmated might see that and she might think I am beginning to like him)?

But then I began to recognize her behavior; it was the same way I behaved when I first got into The Beatles; the sweaty palms, the excitement and joy they brought me when I first discovered them and all the other bands, musicians and genres of music from throat-singing to jazz, it’s all made me feel the same.

Everyone experiences it differently, some of us are a bit crazier than others about our music, but I’m not saying that Soulmated is crazy at all; she’s just into her music far more than most people are, in particular though, Neil Diamond.

And how far has she gone, you ask? To the point a few years ago, where she would post a petition web-link to get everyone to “sign” a petition to herd the powers-that-be to include Neil Diamond as an inductee into the Rock-And-Roll Hall Of Fame every few minutes! Now that’s a lot of chutzpah! Yet, to me that shows a lot of care and understanding and she would do almost anything to get her “man” into the hall.

Then there have been some real live characters both past and present who have come into the chat-room who pretend they are Neil Diamond and come into the chat-room and try to put Soulmated on; I think she’s a lot smarter than that to believe in that hocus-pocus! Most of the Neil Diamonds’ I’ve seen inside there all do the same thing on the surface; they sing to her the same old songs and don’t exactly know what they are talking about, especially when everything that is said seems so archaic and old.

There is one Neil Diamond impersonator though I have seen a few times come in there under the name of “Jewish Elvis,” he (or she) seems to be the closest of them all to Neil Diamond and might be the real McCoy, but who knows for certain? Why would Neil Diamond want to even bother to come into a chat-room and speak to a delirious fan? I’m sure he has better things to do than to waste time in a chat-room, but I’m straying.

They also call Neil Diamond “The Jewish Elvis,” because of his mutton-chop look and style, but in all reality, I believe Neil Diamond could be the next Liberace, you know with those bigger-than-life soundstages and fancy clothes he puts on with a huge female fan base, God only knows he’s getting on in years, almost a senior citizen, but that’s beside the point.

Last night, in chat, Soulmated told me that TV talk-show host Oprah Winfrey is holding a contest to find the “ultimate” Neil Diamond fan. I told her to enter and of course at first she made a bunch of excuses NOT to enter. But then we struck up a deal, I told her that if she entered the contest, I would get the Internet at home. Sound like the plan? Let’s see what Soulmated does. To me, the quintessential fan will do almost anything to be with their beloved hero.

One of these days I sure hope old Neil makes a throat-singing album.

Here’s to you Soulmated! Good luck!